Nanna says bye
One night, I had this very strange dream. I don’t remember the day. It was about six weeks after Nanna (Dad in Telugu) passed away. In my dream, I was talking to Nanna on the phone. There was something different about this phone conversation with Nanna in my dream.
Having lived far away from my parents most of my adult life, the majority of my interactions were over the phone. It is hard to imagine the pre-internet days now, when it took four or more weeks to get a response for a letter. International phone calls cost $6 to $7 dollars a minute and prohibitively expensive on a student budget. The miracle of instant communication over texting and video chats was far in the future.
Like all others that live far away from their families, I dreaded the day I would receive a call with bad news. That day arrived with an early morning phone call with the news of Nanna being in the ICU having suffered a heart attack. When I had talked to Nanna the day before, he was healthy and we chatted about their upcoming travel plans. When the call came, I had just started my workday after dropping my older son off at school. I was all alone at home working and my husband was away dropping our younger son off at school.
I scrambled to get flight tickets and headed to see him that very evening. When I was at the airport waiting to board, another call brought the news that Nanna was doing better and might be moved out of the ICU soon.
When I landed in London waiting for my next flight, I spoke to my husband and other family members. They kept saying odd things like “I wish I were there with you” and asking me not to go straight to the hospital from the airport. This was rather odd and I suspected they were keeping something from me. I didn’t get any sleep on the plane. It was a very long trip, dreading the worst. I wasn’t sure if I would see Nanna ever again or if he recovered from this would he be the same? What if he couldn’t walk which would be devastating for my fiercely independent father. I was hoping for the best, fearing the worst.
I finally made it to my final destination after what felt like a never ending journey. When I got there, I found out Nanna passed away after 12+ hours in the ICU while doctors tried to save him. Ironically, I was on board my first flight when Nanna took his last breath. My worst fears came true and I didn’t get to say bye to Nanna when he left this earth. I didn’t hold his hands and give him a hug one last time. I have to cherish the last memory of him standing at the gate saying bye at the end of my previous visit to see him.
As I was saying, there was something different about this dream phone conversation with Nanna. We chatted for a bit and then Nanna said “It is time for me to leave” in English. This was a very strange phrase for him to use. He usually ended the conversation saying “ఉంటానమ్మా మరి”, Telugu phrase for taking leave. It means “bye for now”. In Telugu we never say “I am leaving”. It is always “Vasthanu” which means “I will come back”. It is considered a bad omen to say “I will leave”, it has to be “I will come back”. This is why, Nanna saying “It is time for me to leave” is very odd and unlike him. It felt like he was saying bye to me before he left for another realm.
I don’t believe in heaven or hell. I don’t believe in the afterlife. I believe when we take our last breath, poof we are gone. Yet, stories of people remembering their పూర్వ జన్మలు (previous lives) fascinate me. Could it be that Nanna came to say bye to me one last time in my dream? I don’t know!! The dream just comforts me, even if it is my brain conjuring it all up.
